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[11 Oct 2007|03:23am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Sorry I haven't been updating. (Not another one of these entries!) I just... have a hard time finding the motivation to write anything about myself. It makes me feel all too pathetic when I draw a blank every time and realize how utterly dull and meaningless my life is right now. The real journal I started has been equally neglected, so please don't feel too shunted, LiveJournal.

I've really lost my self of self. I mean... I've done a lot of things lately I should feel proud of. I spent a few days completely vacuuming and reorganizing my room, and it looks more pristine than ever. I've written fanfiction, I've made graphics, I've drawn much more than usual and occasionally impressed myself with my current skill level... I've composed some music, and I read and educate myself a ridiculous amount. But as much as I enjoyed doing those things and feel a superficial sense of accomplishment over them... at it's core, isn't it hollow? If it's not done with the passion that says, "This is the reason I'm alive!"... isn't it empty? I don't have that passion right now, and I have before about my writing, about people I loved... and now I feel like I just dried up. Like a shriveled old lady with no more life left to give, and I'm just eighteen. I'm a kid with my whole future stretching out before me... but rather than giving me hope, my future is swallowing me up. It scares me so much.

But what disturbs me most is that I don't want common human things like to be loved or beautiful or worthwhile more than anything anymore. What I want more than anything is to be utterly alone in a dark, empty place where no one, no living thing can reach me... and then I want to scream. I want to scream so hard that I puke up my insides, and I don't want anyone to hear me. I want to feel the tangible presence of everything ugly inside me crawling up my throat and spilling out, and I don't want anyone to experience but me. And when I had purged my body of all that pain, maybe I'd feel free or maybe I'd die, or maybe those two would be the same thing. My desire for this scenario... is somewhat overwhelming, because I don't even understand where it came from. It just took me over one day and won't let go. I want it so bad. I don't believe in an afterlife, but please, God, if you exist... let me go to a dark and empty place and scream when I die. Let me scream as much as I want. I'd feel more fulfilled than if I were in heaven and more punished than if I were in hell, so surely you could give me that one thing.

Why am I writing this crazy entry? Because it's early morning, and I'm pissed! I woke up after a mere three hours of sleep, when I'm already dead tired from waking up repeatedly during the few hours of sleep I got last night... and then a nightmare startled me awake in the end. I think I might have woken up from a nightmare today too, but I can't remember my dream. Ugh... seriously, I've never had insomnia this bad! Usually I just have the problem of not being able to initially fall asleep, but now I sleep restlessly and wake up early too. I suppose it's proof that my mind is in a state of distress, although outwardly I seem peaceful and content.

The thing that keeps my stamina up through all of this hell is my current obsession: Death Note! It's been my obsession for three months or so now, and I've been consumed by the fandom to an unusual degree. Seriously -- I spend almost all of my time reading Death Note fanfiction and doujinshi and theories, playing doujin games, drawing fanart and writing fanfiction... I mean, I've even been blowing off normal manga, books, and video games to indulge in my fandom obsession. That's never happened before. Part of it is that Death Note is a series very suited to me - perhaps my ultimate match? - and I love it dearly, but I'm sure part of it is also that I'm trying to forget about my bad feelings by throwing myself wholeheartedly into an obsession. I think I've always been one to do that. But hey, at least it's a fun way to go about forgetting! Much better than drowning my sorrows in drugs and alcohol or otherwise hurting myself.

Well, look at that. I wrote a lot... probably too much. I guess I held back my words for so long that they all came pouring out at once, and in the form of utter nonsense. Sorry. But I hope someone listens and gains something from this entry, even if it's only my own heart. My final advice to myself is to live on, because life is full of hope and happiness, and my dark feelings don't have to overwhelm me if I recognize them for what they are. Purging my darkness by screaming is only a fantasy, because in reality, it's impossible to be pure. I have to coexist with my terror and pain and loneliness... but feeling those things doesn't keep me from laughing and smiling everyday. Even on my most miserable days, the days where I think I'd rather be dead, I still smile sometimes, don't I? The human spirit is amazing, and so I know I have the strength to keep going and find my passion again... or maybe I never lost my passion in the first place. After writing this entry, I find myself thinking, "I want to write even more! I want to write forever!!" I'm going to dive back into the world of my Death Note fanfic and see where it takes me, because surely it will be somewhere beautiful.

6 // Remix

An irritatingly long, pointless, and rambling entry to make up for lost time!! [02 Sep 2007|06:49pm]
[ mood | unbalanced ]

I'm actually really truly honestly starting college tomorrow. That's just bizarre. I attended the same school from kindergarten through graduation, so I can't remember what it's like to start at a new school. When you're moving up from preschool to kindergarten, you're too young and oblivious to obsess over things like I've been doing for the past few days. It's like I went through the seven stages of grief, except it was the seven stages of stress, heh. First I worried about making friends, then I focused on my appearance, then I frantically wondered if I'll ever be able to locate my buildings and classrooms, and lastly I settled upon excessively trivial details like exactly what time I should arrive at, where I'll sit when I get there, the wording of my potential conversations... seriously, I overanalyze things. The stress manifested itself in my lowest low in months, but then today it dissipated somewhat... or is this just the eye of the storm? No, it's going to be okay, because I'm going to go to college looking at it completely objectively, as a machine. I am not going to regard college as a holy grail anymore, because that's what causes me to obsess and fret like this. I may make friends, and I may not. The important thing is that I work hard to become more skilled and knowledgeable. Right? Right. I can still feel the nervousness swirling in my stomach like some sickness, but I want that to become apathy, or better yet, determination. I can't let these feelings of weakness overwhelm me. If I continue on this path, my own weakness will surely kill me. mumblemumble

By the way, Death Note is amazing! It's my favorite manga right now, even more so than Fruits Basket. It's my favorite anything. It's so intellectual... I experienced physical pleasure from reading it!? How do you figure that? And no, I don't just get off on morbidity and murder, ha ha! This is a series that will definitely make you question your beliefs and maybe even twist you. (Mama, I'm in love with a sociopath, ha ha!)

And guess what? LightxL is my new OTP, replacing SeiferxSquall and Chesmond, if you can believe it! They're perfectly suited to one another, more so than any couple I've encountered, to the point where I have to think, if they're not together, who else could they be with? It's a sad thought, but it makes the relationship that much more powerful. I've never believed in soul mates before, but in this case, I'd actually say they're soul mates. There's just no one else on their emotional or intellectual level. They're meant for each other. <3 (Though, LightxMisa and LightxMikami are also cute couples.)

Anyway, I can't stop reading LightxL fanfiction and doujinshi! I've been doing nothing but reading novel-length fanfiction (on my shiny, speedy new computer <3) for days on end, and it is pure bliss. Even Death Note fanwork is so clever, with such intriguing premises and plot twists, I feel like I'm raising my IQ by reading it - and it's absolutely hilarious, too. I like the unique humor in fanfiction that allows me to cackle like a maniac, choke on my drinks, slam my hand on my desk... heck, I've taken up snorting as part of my laugh recently! Is that cute or just stupid? I'd like to think it's cute. ;; So, yes, I recommend Mind Games and its sequel if you're looking for an excellent, lengthy LightxL fanfic. I enjoyed it so very much. :D

Finally, I can't stop listening to this song! Why don't I upload it for you? Regina Spektor - Après Moi. Please take a listen and enjoy. It is a unique and beautiful song, in my humble opinion.

4 // Remix

Full College Panic! [22 Aug 2007|05:46pm]
[ mood | weird ]

Oh my... I haven't updated for a month. Where did the time go? I lost a friend, but I guess that's to be expected, since I could have been in outer space for all you guys knew. Sorry for being such a lame LJ friend. I'm going to work harder to update and comment, because this journal has been an important part of my life for so long, and you guys are important to me too. (Um, does anybody remember who I am? *sweatdrop*)

Anyway, I'm starting college on September 3rd, and I am so nervous! A few months ago, I felt distantly happy about it, seeing it as a way to reinvent myself and make new friends and all that... but now that it's so close, the panic has set in. I just want to run away, like I always run away from everything in my life. It's too pathetic. And I know I can't run away this time because this is my chance, but even so, the worries are gnawing at my insides. This past year, I've been such a loner - what if I can't even remember how to properly have a relationship? What if I can't make a single friend? What if I go through all four years of college alone? I'm going to be living at home, too, so I think that will make it even harder for me to make friends, as if my poor social skills weren't enough of a handicap!

I guess I'll just have to join the anime club and start from there. If I can find likeminded people, it will be easier to talk and have fun together. I can do it! I can do it!!! *laughs to tears* Please wish me luck.

Oh -- it might be relevant to mention that I'm going to RIT (Rochester Institute of Technology) for New Media Design and Imaging (web design, basically), ha ha! My classes are History: Modern America (trying to drop it or switch to another class, since I already have AP credit for two history classes), First Year Enrichment, Drawing, 2D Design, Imaging for New Media, and Intro to Multimedia. It probably sounds boring, but I'm exited and determined to work hard. I want to be able to express myself in as many ways as possible, and this major will help me do that. But first chance I get, I'm signing up for Japanese! :P

So, how are your lives going? Are any of you starting college too? How are you coping? Are you as nervous as I am? Eek!

4 // Remix

You're so lucky lucky lucky! [26 Jul 2007|07:14am]
[ mood | bouncy ]

Guten tag, good morning! Sorry for not updating, not commenting, and not responding to comments; i.e., ignoring my LiveJournal. >_>; I have been lurking and reading your entries, though. I got into a terrible emotional slump for ten days or so and basically did nothing but watch TV (Jericho! I can't wait for the new season this fall.), lurk online, and cry a lot. I even cried over stupid things like not getting a slice of cookie cake, ja? It was pathetic. It's out of my system now, though, and I've been laughing at everything and dancing. Business as usual. :3

I'm getting a new computer soon. I'm so excited! This one has been lagging and crashing a lot lately, so it really ought to go. It's old. D: I'm also buying Adobe Creative Suite (or at least Photoshop), some nice video editing software (any recommendations?), and a new tablet. Phew! What can I say? I've been longing for these things for years, and college is a great excuse to finally cough up the cash. I'll very shortly be in technological heaven!! :D :D :D


[15 Jul 2007|02:48am]
[ mood | stressed ]

Um... my face has gone numb... that's not normal, is it? That's never happened before, except once my nose went numb from a medication. I don't think this is from my medication, though, because I've been taking the same medication twice a day for weeks now. I have no other symptoms. This is very strange indeed. Um, um. An allergic reaction? Food poisoning? *mind running wild*

Sigh. Now I feel all stressed out, reading about strokes and such. I'm going to do a frickin' jigsaw puzzle and chill, lest I never live to see season four of Lost. D:


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